5/14/2012

Mind in Chaos

The least that I want to be is to be emo. I'm trying to understand what's going on. I thought I was okay until one night, a friend who I consider as my second mom started up a conversation in facebook chat.

It was a few days away from mother's day so I greeted her. We exchanged our hello's and started reminiscing. Then when she asked how I was, i just said I was fine and that I was okay. But right there she sensed that something wasn't right. I began to tell her how i sometimes feel uneasy.

I'm a very jolly person and maybe that's one reason why even I can't see that there might be something burdening me for the longest time. She said that sometimes it really is like that. There's probably something wrong and I just don't know it. Or in my case I'm just starting to realize now that there really is, I know it, and I'm just really good at denying feelings.

One by one, day after another, I started to uncover those hiding thoughts that probably keeps me burdened. I think sharing them here wouldn't be enough to actually lift the weight of how grave it is. Each and one of these I consider just thoughts and not problems, but when I stop and really think deep about it, they're one hell of a mess.

At this point I've already uncovered four. Four concerns that leave me weak inside. I realized them one by one after I bumped into them day by day. These are things that I get to see, hear, and feel everyday of my life. After my mind was opened up during that conversation with my so called second mom, things started to clear up and I understood that I needed to face each and evryone of it and I just don't know how and where to start.

My mind is in chaos. It is in complete turmoil. Right now I've just uncovered four and there must be something more. I'm scared. I'm totally afraid. How do you deal with feelings and emotions? I think that's one of my expertise that I lost during my journey to a place I don't know. Completely blinded by everything, I've lost my own direction. GPS won't be of use this time. My map is full of road blocks. There's a fork on every turn. I'm lost in space. A vast, dark, and endless location. Every step is a beginning. I'm confused, disturbed, and scared. I knew that I needed to be saved.

Right now, I think i'll just write down those four that left me hanging by a thread.

One. To confront someone
Two. Father and son
Three. Is work still fun?
Four. Lost connection to the guy above